blackgfdheart asked:
Boys were made for two things: to get pegged and cunnilingus. It's the only things they've ever been good for
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dirtythingsthatturnmeonposts answered:
I genuinely hope you’re kidding here @blackgfdheart.
Boys were made for so much more than that. Hell, I’ll go straight to the point; boys, even in the most asexual form of submission, are still very much an absolute gift and a sight to behold and treasure.
Boys enrich our lives. Boys add value and meaning to our lives. Boys are the rock on which us dominants can lean and build.
Boys are the reason us dominants smile. They’re the reason we work on making them smile, simply because they look amazing when they smile.
Boys are the reason we shower them with compliments because not only does it make them feel good, it makes them blush adorably.
I could go on and on here… I’m sure you get my drift.
Boys are so much more than a hole to fill or a mouth to (ab)use.
Sorry but boys clearly need us more then we will ever need. We dominants give them purpose in their drab little lives. Otherwise they’ll just waste away without living up to their potential.
Boys clearly need us more than we will ever need them? You do realise that the ultimate power in any D/s relationship lies with the submissive, right?
A single submissive boy is more than capable to succeed in life even if he’s not fully himself or lacks some air in his lungs so to speak. The very same can be said from any dominant.
Also, drab little lives? This isn’t some fucked up remake of 50 shades. This is real life.
In short, dominants need to be needed. Submissives on the other hand need to be wanted. Without each other each functions in life yet neither is complete. It is only when they come together that both become whole again.
Dear submissives, don’t for a second think you’re not worthy of the absolute best. A “dominant” that thinks so little of you from the get go is a red flag.
There is a reason that “cherished” is the first word in my blog name. You can have a D/s relationship without having a Dominant who cherishes you, but it won’t last. It will eat at you, little by little. One day you’ll wake up asking why you are giving yourself to this person. And no matter how awesome/sexy/enchanting the Dominant, you won’t have an answer.
Because when a person doesn’t truly see you as equal, they will not see your thoughts and feelings as valid. They assume your submission because they see you as weak, and then they never really learn you. It changes how a Dominant leads when they see you as less—and never ever in a good way. Submissives can feel the difference. And once we realize you don’t cherish us, it’s only a matter of time before we leave.
It’s one thing to say this during play, but you can’t build a relationship around it. Any Dominant who would try isn’t worth your submission. And if a Dominant won’t admit that they need you as much as you need them, they probably aren’t worth your submission either.
^^^ The money shot: “if a Dominant won’t admit that they need you as much as you need them, they probably aren’t worth your submission either.”
ORGASM CONTROL vs DENIAL
A recent spate of asks and not so friendly dialogue over at @instructor144 blog left me thinking about these two distinct items (distinct in my opinion).
I define Orgasm Control as part of a D/s agreement where the sub/bottom agrees to seek permission before an orgasm and if yes, to cum as directed by the Dominant/Top. I seperate control from denial at the “no,” specifically at the length of time. To simplify it, let’s break control into short term, and long term as Denial. There are many reasons to use edge and denial (short term) control regimes with a sub/bottom –too many to delve into here.
Before you give consent to either orgasm control or orgasm denial, DEFINE the length of time for your understanding.
The example given for denial was in the 45 day range. I’ll use that as a kind time frame reference.
Okay, so let’s talk Orgasm Denial. Some may be seeking the lack of sexual desire or pleasure. I assume that’s self explanatory. But, in my experience, most Denial involves edging, usually repeatedly. The edged state is the state the parties involved are seeking.
Okay folks, time to get nerdy. Both edged denial and orgasm involve lots of brain chemistry and hormones. Now some of us have more complicated chemistry and hormones like being trans, pregnant, menopausal, prostate treatments, or any numerous endocrine issues, which will require additional thought on the part of those involved – well beyond what scraps of info I have to offer up.
Some of us humans have brains that just work better when inundated with higher levels of some of these chemicals and hormones. So we manage that with all kinds of things – pain, pleasure, food, thrill seeking, exercise, etc. Some brains actually function more to its owner’s liking when living in a state of Edged Orgasm Denial in a D/s context. But make no mistake, that state is an altered one. It is different from their baseline. [ Before anyone loses their shit, neither the term altered nor different means “bad.” ]
In the end, Edged Orgasm Denial is a kind of self regulation, like maintenance spankings (pain). Both require responsible, knowledgeable Dominants/Tops and consent from the subs/bottoms
I have one caveat that I’ll put out here. There is a difference between consent and informed consent. In medicine, informed consent means all other options are presented as well as all the risks of the preferred one. So in this case, if you’re looking to try to self regulate through long term Edged Orgasm Denial, I will tell you if it were me, or someone I loved, I would seek out a kink aware professional to learn all of the other options and any personal risks of long term Edged Orgasm Denial.
There ARE inherent risks with long term Edged Orgasm Denial. Specifically, the rebound effect when orgasm, ruined or otherwise, occurs. Many self report serious depressive episodes. So D-types, SSC requires you are prepared to deal with all effects, side efects, and risks before, during and after edges and orgasms in this kind of denial.
Now we all know shit happens and goes wrong in D/s. Life happens, bodies change, whatever it may be, there is a way to deal with it within the dynamic.
S-types are responsible for communicating needs to their D-type. D-types are responsible for providing for those needs. So in the context of Edged Orgasm Denial, when “something” goes wrong during the edge/denial regime, first decide if a meta talk can attempt to solve the issue or if you NEED to safeword and cum. Edged Orgasm Denial is not some extra special D/s thing. Safeword rules apply! As in, the safeword is used, then everything stops (in this case edge and denial) and aftercare is instituted after immediate health and safety has been assessed. Later, at an appropriate time, debrief and plan a way forward eother with or without Edged Orgasm Denial.
I have deliberately chosen to only focus on the physiology and none of the emotional, reparionship, or D/s reasons, motivations, or consequences. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
As in everything I type out here, this just my two cents on the topic. And you can take it for what it’s worth to you or leave it.
My only request is that you do not be so presumptuous as to assign negative motives or evil intent to me or my words if you find them deficient, clueless, or poorly chosen.
I can assure you, I am well aware of my privileged and blessed state if living. But publicly shaming me for my ignorance or hamhanded attemps at communicating does nothing to further my growth, equality, or the conversation.
Awesome post from @submissive-seeking.
I’ll just add two things.
First, as she mentions, denial and orgasms that come after that, etc. can have serious depressive side effects. (Or, with some people, manic ones - because I’ve been there and had that experience and it’s not fun.) So! If denial and edge-play is part of your dynamic and you’re someone who is on psychotropic medication for any sort of mental illness then please please figure out how the edge play and denial impacts the change in your brain chemistry from the medications.
If denial and edging is part of your dynamic every day and you know it’s not a part time thing or just going to be something you do for a little while or whatever… Then be honest with your doc about any mental side effects you may be feeling. If you do edge play and denial continuously then it’s going to change your mental baseline - which means your meds may work differently and/or need to be changed.
And be super aware of that when your doc makes any changes to your meds. Because adjusting and finding the right regimen is enough of a pain in the ass as it is. So altering your brain chemistry with a denial regimen can impact that as well. So just be careful!
Secondly, denial and edging regimens can have serious emotional impacts. As @submissive-seeking points out and alludes to, it can have impacts on your mood and brain stuff. Being in a constant state of edge-play and denial is, at least for me, like being on a constant high. Like it makes me ride the wave sooooo hiiiiiighhh. And I love it. But, at least for me, (and I don’t know how true this is for other people but I know, from my discussions, that many have experienced this as well) it makes me super emotional. It makes me feel emotionally bonded to the person I’m edging for. So I’m on this high - like I can feel it physically, emotionally, mentally… All from being told to edge and not being allowed to cum. And I love it. Until it ends.
Because in those relationships where denial and edging regimens were a huge part of my sexual dynamic when the relationship ended I came down from that high so hard. I lost the sexual high but I also lost the emotional high. And it dropped me into a depressive hole so bad that it took me months to climb out of. And I know for a fact (based on other relationships I’ve had) that if the denial and edge-play hadn’t been such an integral part of those relationships that the come down from the relationship ending wouldn’t have been so hard.
Just my two cents to add in here. Glad everyone is discussing so much about this. :)
The Slow Unfurling of Sadism
I don’t consider myself a masochist, but pain is an important part of my submission. Sometimes that feels weird to say—that I like pain and need pain, but I’m not a masochist. For me, the difference is that pain is an expression of my submission, not an end in itself. I enjoy the opportunity to give myself to my Dominant in ways that are hard for me. I enjoy knowing that I am a girl who doesn’t get choices, even if my Dominant chooses for me to suffer. And I need these “proof of ownership” moments, even when I don’t always enjoy them.
But as someone who needs pain, I have dated sadists. Actually, I kind of adore them. Sadists are deeply emotionally aware. When you are a person who feels aroused and emotionally connected through inflicting pain, you learn to read every quiver, every trembling lip, the inflection of every scream. You become hyperfocused on your partner’s emotional and physical state because that’s what feeds you— and because you know what can go wrong.
Sadists know that they enjoy hurting people. For most, it takes time to come to terms with that. And even when you’ve accepted your desire to inflict pain, building trust with a new person is always hard. To show the person you care about that you love their agony… It takes time. No one in kink exercises more self-restraint than the sadist.
So this means people with deep emotional awareness are required to take serious emotional risks with their partners. This leads to an endearing pattern that I call the slow unfurling of sadism (alternate title: How Sadists are Like Shy Baby Groundhogs). Sadists tend to start slower than other D-types. They don’t cause a lot of pain right away. They test something out, then they back off a little. A flicker of pain, then back to soft and sweet. Then they push a little further, and then back off a little. Gradually, they create a safe space for their submissive to suffer—to let pain flow freely. They earn a submissive’s trust by showing they are in control and respect boundaries.
At the same time, they are also creating opportunities for their submissive to earn their trust—trust that they won’t be rejected and trust that what they are doing is consensual. Sadists need reassurance. Did you endure the pain out of submissive obligation, or did you want it? Did it mean something to you? They need to know if you felt a connection through the pain. They need to know if it turned you on. They need to know if you want more. As a submissive, I love these moments. I get to tell my partner that I love the glimmer in their eyes before they hurt me, or that I smile every time I run my fingers over the welts on my ass. I am honest about my limits, but I also show my sadist the joy I feel in serving through pain.
The most rewarding moment is when a sadist looks deep into your eyes and tells you they want to lick the tears off your face while they make you scream. And then they do it. Because that’s when you know they’ve let you in. They’ve trusted you with a part of themselves that few people get to see, let alone love. That is a beautiful feeling, and well worth the time it takes to get there.
Just to be clear…
Dominance isn’t about sex.
A D/s relationship isn’t about bondage and toys.
TPE isn’t about keeping a sex slave.
I post a lot of porn because, well, let’s face it: we all love porn. But the sexual aspect forms such a small part of the whole that I sometimes feel like I’m doing it a disservice with my blog.
Dominance is being there for her.
Dominance is working through her meltdowns.
Dominance is accepting her, especially when she won’t accept herself.
Dominance is being asked for the millionth time if you love her.
Dominance is tucking her in at night.
Dominance is telling her no.
Dominance is quieting her demons.
Dominance is being her bastion of strength.
Dominance is shrugging off her anger and frustration when you do things for her own good.
Dominance is encouraging her.
Dominance is comforting her in the middle of the night when she’s had a nightmare.
Dominance is guiding her.
Dominance is building her.
Dominance is love.
Anonymous asked:
Oh James what have you done! I showed my boyfriend your link about edging me with his mouth and he loved it, I am on fire all the time now. We are loving this so much I wonder why we didn’t learn about it sooner. So thank you for your blog 😃
female-orgasm-denial answered:
What this one?
http://edging.space/post/157240617903/the-greatest-valentines-gift
Yeah, that’s a goodie.
You’re so, so welcome.
Submissive Pride
Despite a long life of dealing on intimate terms with submissives, I will confess: in some respects, they remain “A mystery, inside a riddle, wrapped in an enigma.” One thing I have given a fair bit of thought to is: what motivates a submissive? What makes them step up and live their submission with such fanatical determination? What causes them to go at their tasks and duties and protocols with such kamikaze intensity? There are the obvious things, of course. Submissives, in my experience, tend to be inherent “people pleasers,” so that is a strong motivator. There is also the soothing, calming peace that passes all understanding that they find in living their submission like they mean it. There is that ineffable devotion to their Dominant, a level of devotion that one sees very rarely among vanilla couples.
But there’s one motivator that doesn’t often get talked about, a motivator that many might find surprising: pride.
It seems counter to the stereotypical image of a submissive as demure, Geisha-like, with downcast eyes and whispered “As you wish, Master.” But pride is a thing with submissives; scratch the surface and you’ll discover that submissives are the proudest people you’ll ever meet. Pride in their ability to please and serve their Dominant; pride in their determination to step up and handle their business; pride in the quiet, understated recognition that “I am one hell of a kick-ass sub!!” Often, a part of that is a competitive streak, and the person they often compete with — and triumph over — is themselves. All in all, submissives are some tough, proud little sumbitches.
Now, what is this ramble in aid of?
Submissives: you are right to feel proud. Of your commitment to your submission, of the effort you bring to the work (and let’s be honest, it often is hard work), and of the hundred and one ways you surpass your former best efforts. But — beware the disease of perfectionism. Your pride can inspire you to push limits and do things you didn’t think possible, but if you find yourself on that endless squirrel wheel where you are obsessively thinking “I can do a little better, I can push a little harder, I can be a little more on point, I can please Him a little more, I can be perfect,” then you need to gear it back and unplug that mindset with the swiftness. Your justifiable feeling of pride can send you down the rabbit hole to burnout and misery. Goal: be the very best submissive you can be. Not: be the perfect submissive.
Dominants: recognize that pride is a big part of what motivates your submissive, even if — especially if — it’s something they don’t articulate. And of course you are proud of them as well; if you’re not, then what the hell are the two of you doing together? So you need to be sure to express your pride in them, in every aspect of their being in which they excel. And even more importantly, you need to give them permission to be proud of themselves. Our society, for any number of reasons (very few of them healthy), tends to quash pride, to privilege modesty and self-effacement. “Pride goeth before a fall,” after all. So you need to let them know “Please be proud of yourself for X, because I am very proud of you.” And when you say it, you damn well better mean it.
Sigh, raising my hand…. 🙋♀️
I still struggle mightily with the disease of perfectionism.
The words I need to hear when my I get into this nasty spin cycle:
“You are perfect for me. I decide. I am in control here. You do not get to question me. Do you understand me little one? I chose you. I get up every morning and choose you all over again.“
“Now go get the paper and pen. I am going to help you remember you are perfect for me. ”
“Please be proud of yourself for X, because I am very proud of you.” 🙌